BURN!

After a very excellent dinner with no major revelations, I passed out little plates for dessert.  Here we have the conversation that followed (I am such a lazy blogger these days.  Why think up original stuff when I can just quote entire conversations?  But seriously – if this was what you were listening to at the dinner table, you’d be quoting it, too.)

Jonas: Hey! Why do the grown-ups have yellow plates, and the kids have blue?

Me: Um, I don’t know.  It’s just the way it worked ou….

Joe: It’s not the grown-ups VS the kids.  The smart people have the yellow plates.

Violet: Oh! Then I need to trade with Mommy!

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[At this, the man who had just spent 10 minutes explaining to her why she should be more polite to me, turned to her and said “Nice burn!”, high-fived her, and then offered to handle bath-time so I could blog. If my life were a sitcom, I would be firing the writers about now.]

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Angry Blogging

This morning Joe left for work without waking Violet up.

I lay there, listening to him pull out of the driveway, knowing that none of the three remaining people in the house had an alarm set, knowing that had I not been awake we would have been late for school, knowing that I was married to the most annoying individual on the planet.

I got her up, brought her to my bed, and we lay there together discussing what a maynerd her father is.

Me: I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your father is a maynerd.

V: Oh, I know he’s a maynerd.  He forgot to wake me up and give me a kiss!  Total maynerd.

Me: Should I call him so we can yell at him?

V: Definitely.

So I call him, and we lay there listening to his phone ring from the living room.

Me: I have bad news for you – your father is an even bigger maynerd than I thought before.

V: Yeah.  He’s kind of the biggest maynerd on the planet.  Sometimes I regret marrying him.

(Joe will doubt that last quote, but I swear I am not making it up. Those are the words that came out of her mouth, baby. )

Me: Whatever!  You looooove him!  You are a MAYNERD LOVER!

V: If I were a maynerd lover, then I would LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE you!

Me: Wait. So are you saying I’m a maynerd?

V: Yes.

Me: And you don’t love me?

V: What? No! I love you!

Me: AHA! So you ARE a maynerd lover!

V:  [rolls her eyes in an alarmingly teenage way]

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We gave him a half hour, then called his office phone.  Nobody picked that one up, either.  So now I’m venting onto wordpress, both for the joy of it, and because I figure maybe he’ll have some downtime at work today and will check Google Reader. If so –  Hon? You sold us out this morning.  If it weren’t for Jonas’s internal poop alarm that has him getting up to move his bowels at 6:30  every morning, V could have been late for school.  Also? You forgot your phone. And your daughter thinks you’re a maynerd. And I need to know if you are coming home early today to go to the SciPort with us, but I can’t get in touch with you. And I think you’re a maynerd, too.

Love,

Your Old Wife.
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[Full disclosure – Joe came home when I was only halfway through this entry. He had gone in early to run. The first thing he said when he walked in was “How late were you?” I had already started this, though, and figured why not keep going.  At this point, however, it’s less “angry blogging” and more “mocking blogging”.  Maybe tomorrow, if he’s nice to me, I’ll do “affectionate blogging.”  But don’t count on it.]

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