Every summer, I get my pitiful Jenn-version of “sun”. My cheeks and nose get a little brown, and a lot freckly. My shoulders and arms go from alabaster to off-white. My chest gets pink. (Seriously. No amount of sunscreen helps. I don’t know why that part of me doesn’t turn gold and freckly, too, but I spend May – Oct with pink collarbones.) My feet get faint flip-flop tan lines. You know what part of me never, ever gets any sun, ever? My neck. (If you were thinking of a part of me that stays covered even in a bathing suit, you are also correct. But I’m concerned here, specifically, with a body part that people other than the luckiest man on the planet are likely to see. So. The neck.)
My neck spends it’s sunny days safe and protected in the shadow of my gigantic head. Seriously. No matter how brown (ha! More like beige.) my face and shoulders might get, no matter how pink my upper chest, there is a pristine column of white connecting them. No sun ever hits it, ever. It practically glows in the dark.
Last week my cousin Kim asked me to post a picture of my new and improved (Even shorter! Even blonder!) hair on FB. I took one, looked at it, and thought -
“Whoa. Look how freaking white my neck is in this picture. It’s alarming. It’s like my head is connected to the rest of me by a beam of light. I don’t know if I can post this… “
But I talked myself out of that paranoid nonsense. My eyes look supagreen, my hair looks fantastic… who was going to notice my albino neck, anyway? And if they did, so what? Who would call me out on having a white neck? This is classic low self esteem ridiculousness right here – nobody notices your “flaws” like you do. Let it go. Stop being so freaking vain. Take a deep breath, post the damn picture, and chill the F out.
So I posted it.
The same laziness that kept me from saving this to my pc and posting it only to my private group now keeps me from bothering to resize it. Enjoy, please, this giant picture of my giant head.
The photo is up for about 3 seconds when my lovely sister responds -
Hey, maybe a little a bronzer on your neck next time.
Which prompted the following conversation between Joe and myself -
Me: Oh for the love – did you see what Suz wrote on my picture?
Joe: What picture?
M: I put up a pic of my hair.
M: I was coerced. Nevermind. Point is – Suz felt the need to point out my crazy white neck, and now everyone’s going to be looking at it. What can I do? My neck never gets any sun!
J: Well, yeah – because of your giant head.
M: Exactly! I didn’t even want to put up that stupid picture. Now it’s out there and my stupid white neck is blinding everyone who looks at it.
J: (looking at picture) Heh. Yeah, I can see that. Also this crazy eye thing.
M: Crazy eye whaaaaaaaa?
J: You know – this one eye that’s kinda…. uh, nevermind.
M: Thanks, hon, for talking me down here. You’ve been incredibly helpful.
J: I do what I can.