Jaynie is just a ray of sunshine these days. Years ago, someone shared with me their theory of kid behavior and how it veers from angel to terrorist then back again. She said that the first half of the year they are wonderful, the second… well… not. 12 – 18 months? CUTE. 18 – 24? HOLY TERROR! And so on and so forth. I, personally, totally agree with this. Jonas was a NIGHTMARE a couple of months ago. You read the blog! You know about the Euro in the CD player! Did I ever blog about the time he took off his diaper, climbed up onto my dining room table, and POOPED ON IT? Well, he did. He also shoved a binky into the VCR then stood there screaming for it while I tried to fish it out with a knitting needle, attempted to flush my favorite sandals down the toilet, and bit, hit, and pinched his sister too many times to count. Oh, and he was a hair puller.
Now? What a sweetie! We have so much fun! He’s still more violent than I remember Jaynie being, but he’s not so… mean. His violent tendencies run mostly to chasing me around the house yelling “Gonna get you, Mommy! Tickle tickle!” , (Where does he learn these things? Honestly.) jumping on Jaynie’s bed, and wrestling with his Dad. He’s a lot more fun to be around.
Jaynie, on the other hand, is FIRMLY in the “second half of the year” phase of being a pain in my butt. She. Is. So. Freaking. Unpleasant.
In the first Olivia book, the mommy says to Olivia “I love you, but sometimes you exhaust me.” (Or something like that. I may not be remembering the line exactly, but I sure remember the sentiment.) That is it exactly. I said it to Jayne a couple of times, then a shockingly awful thing began to happen…
She started saying it to me. Only without the “I love you, but..” My annoying, not listening, drama-queen, misbehaving 3 1/2 year old started telling me (in the snottiest voice you’ve ever heard – I swear she’s pre-pubescent the way she speaks to me) “Mommy! You EXHAUST ME!”
Yeah.
Somehow that got shortened to “EXHAUST!” and now we shout it back and forth to each other all day long. Mature, I know. I can’t help myself. That kid pushes buttons I didn’t know I had.
Yesterday she told me I was “About 5 seconds away from getting my bottom slapped” (I have never slapped the kid. I try to use the Shrek “You’re going the right way for a smacked bottom.” line on her, but I guess I’ve worded it like this in the past because Lord knows she doesn’t come up with these things on her own. Its her tape-recorder personality that keeps me in line. God forbid I lose it and she reenacts the whole thing at playgroup one day.) She has accused me of being SELFISH if I won’t hand over my wallet. She told me the reason I wouldn’t let her wear a striped shirt under a princess tank top tucked into a flowered skirt over plaid pants with red patent leather shoes was that I was “Jealous, because you don’t have nice, princessy clothes like me! You’re just jealous, Mommy, and you’re being MEAN TO ME. EXHAUST!” I constantly hear “You are treating me VERY BADLY!”
The kid has no idea how close to the edge I am.
Last night I told her if she went right to sleep with no screwing around I would give her a cookie when she woke up. Hey, I am not above bribery. Not at all.
She stayed up past 10pm.
This morning she woke up and asked for a cookie. I gave her one. (I know, I know.) About 20 minutes later she says “Mommy? When are you going to give me that thing that I keep asking for?”
Me: What? The cookie? I gave that to you already.
Jayne: No you DIDN’T!
M: No, really honey – you ate it already.
J: NO! You are trying to FAKE ME OUT!
M: (laughing) Seriously, Jaynie, you ate the cookie.
J: (crying) I want the cookie! Why are you lying? Why won’t you give it to me?
And on and on it went, until I realized that we were arguing about oatmeal raisin cookies made with whole wheat flour and very little sugar… so I gave her another one. (I realize you are reading this and thinking she’s a monster because I keep giving in to her. Its honestly not the case, she’s just worn me down this weekend and I’m too tired to put up a real fight. Plus, it was so pitiful – her crying and begging me for the cookie, and not being able to understand why I would LIE about such a thing. Totally worth a cookie for that level of entertainment.)
This post is all over the board. I’m tired (EXHAUSTed!) Just know that I’m really, really looking forward to March, and hoping the whole magic birthday switch will be flipped and I’ll have my little buddy back again.
Epilogue -
While I was writing this, I asked her to go get dressed so we could run errands when I was done. It is 48 degrees outside. This is what she came out in…
(She seems to think leaving her pj top on under a summer outfit makes it weather appropriate.)
EXHAUST!
no comment on the behavior….that comes and goes. but the clothing….she obviously needs a warmer climate..hint hint
i came over here from childs play I’m tiffs friend…you have a good title! All I can say is thank you. That sounds like my day today. I have a 3.5 yr old who is truly wearing me out, along with a 19mo old, who is also shortening my life expectancy. I just needed to know I’m not alone! Thanks for the laugh
Come on, she has the head tilt down to a tee and everything! And look at those big brown cookie-starved eyes! I’d give her a cookie too!!
I know what you mean about the behavioural stages. Thank goodness they come and go through them. If they stuck in the skeeeery phase too long we might trade ‘em in.
I don’t know what you’re talking bout Jeen…look at her angelic face! Look at her precious smile! Her puppy eyes!
Tiff – you have been suckered in by her “aren’t I cute?” face. She was attempting to use it on me so I’d let her out of the house like that. As I am made of sterner stuff, I forced her to put on jeans and a sweatshirt first. (She retained the skirt and red shoes. Everyone at the store thought she was pretty entertaining.)
Carrie – I’m about ready to sell her on eBay. March can’t come fast enough.
Kathy – Do I know you from SG? Welcome to our craziness.
Mom – You may be right. I hear its nice and warm in Turkey.
You do not even know how happy I am to read this. I thought I was the only one livig with a 3 year old going on 14- with the sass. I swear, these kids, though separated my thousands of miles say the exact same things. Have I mentioned she wears the same dress day in and day out for about 5 days at a time? Until I force her to change to leave the house. oye.